oh_ana_thin

well fuck. 130.

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:52:24 GMT

to make a long story short..

got down to 119 this summer and ive been yo-yoing between 124-129 every since my parents made me come live back at home and ive been off drugs and alcohol.

today i weighed at 130 this morning.

fuck.

i need to get busy, focus on school, get some more drugs, oh and a job would be good. im on lock down until i have a job.

depressing.

???

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:41:33 GMT

im gross.
im so gross.

it snowing.. 133

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:59:33 GMT

i haven't been on here in forever.
im 133.
or i was yesterday morning. then i binged a little yesterday on a croissant and stawberries and crackers.
so i drank a lot of lax tea. like 3 cups. and im fasting until tuesday which is when kyle comes home.
im not going to weigh myself until then. im praying i will be in the 120s by then. but idk. i bet im 135 now after my binge so ill probably be like 131. if i expect that then i wont be too let down by the scale.

im on acutane now for my skin. so i have to take it twice a day with food. but im taking it with slimfast which is like food. its 180 cals but im splitting it into 2 servings on in the morning with my pill and one at night with my other pill so thats a daily total of 180 which i know ill burn off throughout the day.

i need to be working out. but i really just dont have the energy to. plus its snowing outside so i cant run or anything, i will freeze to death, as im already freezing in my house. and my brother and his gf are in the tv room where the eliptical is. im making excuses. i will exercise tomorrow after work i think. so get my mind off food. then i wont wanna eat after excersizing because ill feel like im throwing all my hard work away.

ali is coming over tonight,. shes eats all the time. im nervous. if i eat anything i will eat everything.
but i wont binge infront of her. i cant binge infront of people its gorribly embarassing. but i will binge after she leaves if i eat while she is here... so i cant eat anything.

moms bringin home chinese food.
im gonna go into the kitchen right now and make a mess of things so it looks like i already ate so then i dont have to eat chinese.

mom said im losing weight too fast,. she knows i drank lax tea too. so i gotta be sneakier.

k gotta go real fast and make food and flush it down the toilet.. whata waist, i feel bad:/

SNOW!:D

a little sad 135

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 22:43:35 GMT

so im 135 today.
but i feel so fat and gross.
i finally went to the bathroom. which is good.
mom is bringing home some lax tea for me which will hopefully make me loose another pound by tomorrow morning which will keep me motivated and in a good mood tomorrow.
plus i did my workout of running stairs for 10 minutes, 200 crunches and 50 back workout things. ill do more crunches and stuff later.
im exctied for the lax tea becaues i feel really bloated right now. but at the same time im hungry and nervous that i will give in. but i musnt let myself.. even if i do have lax tea. it will make me thinner only if i dont eat.
today ive had

coffee: 45c
1/2 grapefruit: 60c
1 slice turkey meat: 30c
2 pickles: 10c
juice: 120c
TOTAL: 265c

and im proud of myself for staying on track and continueing to loose but.. its just frustrating that ive lost 11 pounds which is a lot but its only gotten me to 135 which is where i was like months ago before i starting binging every night. if i had stayed at 135 as my normal high weight and then done this and lost 11 pounds i would be at 124 which is a major goal weight that i have never been at before. im just so sick of myself. and im sick of being hungry and not alowing myslef to eat. im starving. but i wont eat. i wont do it.

xx

staying strong 136.2

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 17:46:28 GMT

i almost gave in last night. i was so unbelievably close.
but i didnt. and i love myself for that:)

so yesterday i skipped breakfast and went to school.
in second period we were having a party to celebrate our concert and there were so many cookies and i was just staring at them and almost had one but then i just walked to the opposite side of the room and sat there for the whole class period.
when i came home for lunch i had that feeling of binging where i knew it was coming. the kind of binge where you cannot stop it. or at least id never been able to stop it before. so i got worried and worked out. 200 crunches and 50 backfat burner things and running up and down my stairs for 10 minutes.
then i tried to control my lunch and i had:
1/2 grapefruit: 53
1 slice turkey lunch meat: 30
glass of juice to take my vitamins with: 130
Lunch Total: 213
later that night my friend came over and she always eats a ton even though shes smaller than me by like 10 pounds and she never gains.
so she saw all my grapefruits on the counter and took one and ate BOTH halfs of it ANND put like 1/2 cup of sugar on it. and i feel like a bitch but in my mind i was so happy that i was sitting there eating nothing while she was eating over 400 calories in 5 minutes.
then we made coffee and i had
21/2 tbs of creamer: 38
she had like 1 cup of creamer litterally. and i intentionally gave her a bigger coffee mug than mine. god im horrible.
then i realized i needed to take my face medicine that im supposed to mix into food which sucks so..
1 yogurt: 110
Dinner Total: 148
Then we went to a movie and she brought licorice and i devoured it i just got so randomly hungry i must have had 8 pieces.
i looked on the package and 4 pieces in 140 cal so thats
8 pieces licorice: 280
OVERALL DAILY TOTAL: 640

omg. thats so much. but the good news is i lost. thats reaaaallly good news concidering the first thing i said to myself this morning when i woke up was "if i gained or didnt loose any than im binging. but i did loose so now i cant binge!! and im so glad i didnt binge last night. after i had that licorice i though for sure i would gain and that there was no point in trying so i might as well eat my whole house when i went home. but instead i just brushed my teeth and went to bed. it was so hard. i usually always give into late night hunger cravings that turn into binges. im so happy with myself.

im about to go on a walk with mom. that should be around 2-3 miles.
then ill do 200 crunches and 50 back workout things.

oh and im making coffee right now to give me a little morning boost. that will be under 45 cal bc of the fat free creamer.

:)
xx

on my way 137.2

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:28:53 GMT

im doing good today:)
i had coffee this morning. maybe 150.
i have celery sticks in my bag im thinking maybe i will eat them as i walk to class to give my presentation.
im not sure though.
im planning on running before my choir concert tonight.
and no food today. obviously.

love--fee

doing okay 140.8

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 20:35:50 GMT

i lost two pounds since monday.
i havent exercised today yet.
Ive eaten a 170 cal soup and a >30 cal tangerine.
thats 200cal total.
im about to purge it through.
i dont like it in me it doesnt feel right.

im going to exercise after i purge.
then finish my essay.
im going to be perfect, i have to be.

again 142.8

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 23:09:42 GMT

im starting again. again again again again. always again.
but i yesterday i had a slice of pumpkin pie: 340 cal
then burnt it all off at kyles house.
and also today i learned that in your sleep you burn 400 calories.

today i had coffee with creamer before school which was probably under 100 calories i hope.
and i had yoga and i was sweating so i know i burned calories doing that today.
im going to go home, work out, and do my project for my college writing class becaues im failing.
and i need to be perfect.
perfect.

xx

one week 142.4

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 20:30:28 GMT

one week.
no food.
starting now.

gum
water
diet soda

okay so.. on saturday im aloud 1 cracker and 2 baby carrots.
then nothing.
until next tuesday.

then 1 cracker and 2 baby carrots.
then we'll see.

i need to get back in control

kyle is leaving tomorrow for cali and he wont be back until sunday night.
so that leaves me free to focus on running 2 miles a day and not eating.

i need perfect grades
and a perfect body.
and all else will fall perfectly in place as it should...

..perfect boy
happy parents
HAPPIER ME

freezing 139

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:21:25 GMT

im so cold.
so motivated.
today ive had two cups of coffee and a scone.
id say about 500 cals.

im fucking cold...
im going to get more coffee.
i cannot believe i need to loose more than 40 pounds. i fucking suck.

i better be to 115 by christmas.
i have to be.

love--fee

two-four-six-eight 142

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:14:33 GMT

i lost a pound.
cool.
and i binged yesterday..
ive decided to do the 2468 diet.. except im doing i backwards to shrink my tummy again.
so im counting yesterday as my 800 day.
today is 600.
so far ive consumed:
a latte(dad made it for me and sat down for breakfast with me so i couldnt throw it out): 200?
one slice of delicious pumpkin bread (also unvavoidable because it was breakfast): 250?
1/2 cup nuts (mom offered them to me in the car. was starving so i took them. uhhg.): 120?
2 pieces of gum (to get me through the day!!!): about 10
TOTAL: 580ishhhh

so i feel like i did okay today. the only thing is that my binges usually come at night. so im nervous about going home. its easy to not eat at school and usually in the mornings bc im running late and no one cares if i eat at at school because its at a cc and no one cares!!! :) its nice.

i think the best thinspo there is right now is to look at pictures of people that i go to school with or used to go to school with that are skinnnny. like on myspace and whatnot, just looking at them makes me want it so much more! and i know a lot of the must have had eds. you can sometimes just tell. like the ones where their ribs show and stuff and they used to be chubby back in middle school. plus i neverrrr saw them eat lunch last year when i went to my high school for lunch. so.. maybe i shouldnt jump to conclusions.. but if someone said they suspected i had an ed bc i was so skinny that would be a compliment for sure. but that only bc im a fatty,... so.

also the weekends are horrible. especially now bc my parents took my car away. but if i hang out with kyle we never eat together so thats okay. except he knows i like never eat so sometimes he will nudge me a little to eat.. but omg if im ever with my friends i always eat with them. and not just a little.. like A LOTTT!! and what makes things worse is they are all fucking tiny. i used to be the same as my best friend. shes really athletic and muscley. im not.. then i got depressed and ate all the time. sooo now im FATTT she weighs like 125. i weigh17lbs more than her and we are the same height. GROSS. thats motivation riiigght there.

andddd also the thought of kyle acting like he want to be with me more. hes being a little distant right now. i bet if he noticed me getting tinier he'd want to hang out more. i want to be his little doll. his perfect tiny cute girlfriend. maybe once i get to 100 he will ask me out. i bet hes waiting for me to get skinny... thats probably whats taking him so long. he could show me off to all of his friends and pick me up and swing me around and cuddle with his tiny cute girlfriend, not just some ugly zitty overweight rolly polly pudgy girl.

ehhh i disgust myself..
i dont think im going to weigh myself untilmonday. bc thats after day 400 and 200 then a one day fast.
by then i hope in 137. gross. i hate that im over that. eww. i neeeeed to be like 100. 94 would be BLISS!!

love--fee

cocaine 143

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:34:32 GMT

i havent written in a while..
basically i was popping diet pills like crazy and doing coke daily.
then i had a huge coke day and did about 3 grams in one sitting with my friend.
then i got caught.
within the next few days even though i cut out coke and diet pills completely i kept losing weight.
it was amazing... until the binge came.
of course.
because it always does.
ive been binging everynight for almost a week.
tomorrow will be a week.
but im not going to make it a week.
im fasting tomorrow.
then doing 2-4-6-8

i wish i could just do coke all day and be insanely skinny.
bc i wouldnt even want food like i do right now even though i aleady ate a shitload today.
because im disgusting.
i went down from 140 to 135 in two days because of coke!!! and i was still eating..then i blew it!!!
and now im 143.... GROSSSSSSS

all i can think of is hip bones and bikinis
and skinny jeans and tank tops

THINGS I CANNOT HAVE BC IM FATTT

and im not going to do coke anymore.
not until college anyways bc it will be so hard to keep weight off then.
but not now.
ive hurt my family too much and if kyle or my best friend knew the true story they would be crushed.

life would be amazing if i were skinny. whats wrong with me. why cant i be???

Unmotivated138.6

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 17:55:10 GMT

Today is day four of the 4 day fast. except that im going another day with die_2b_skinny so its day four of 5 days.

and i woke up today at the same weight as my lowest weight of yesterday.
I did a bunch of yard work and im going to go do ab work outs in my room right now.
later on im going to go for a very long walk
and then tonight either a run or another walk.

its so foggy out here. its depressing me even more than i already am.
How come im not losing anymore?

ohh..and mom found a diet pill last night.
it was bad. she wants to take me to a nutritionist now because im "self medicating"
well i dont care if she takes me to a nutritionist im not eating.

shes the one who always tells me i need to lose weight well now im doing it and shes trying to intervien!

well i completely hate myself at this point because i lack the power to control my weight.
im barely to control my eating habits and finally ive stopped myself from stuffing my face and im not even losing weight.,

i just need to work harder obviously. and i need to want it more.

love--fee

Hungry 138.6

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 22:49:55 GMT

im so hungry.
today is day three of my 4 day fast with die_2b_skinny
i woke up at 139.2
seriously? i only lost 0.2 pounds?
i didnt have school today so i got up and ran 2 miles this morning.
im going to run or walk again tonight i think.
i wish i had faster results its better motivation.

and.. im starving. STARVING! i love it. but i want food.. im hungry so hungry.
but food wont make me any thinner.. food=fat
i dont want to be fat.
i want to be thin and pure.
pure nd empty.

i took 3 hydroxycut pills today.
im going to take one more right now.
ive drank 2 zero cal VitaRain drink things.
im going to drink 4 more.
andi have to peeeeee right now!!

soo ya i'll update tomorrow.

love--fee

hydroxycut 139.4

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 19:57:51 GMT

i dropeed six pounds since my last binge :) but im still huge :(
tuesday i was at 146
wednesday(yesterday) i started a four day fast with my new texting buddy die_2b_skinny and woke up at 142
today is thursday and i woke up at 139.4!!!!
so im dropping weight fast, just not really fast enough.

i did crunches yesterday but didnt run or anything.
so today i am going to jog 15 minutes in the freezing cold then come home and do as many crunches as i can.
maybe that will make me wake up thinner.

ohhh and yoga was canceled today which sucks bc i was going to go to the free yoga class at 12 so that would total to 2 hours of yoga but noooo it just had to be canceled.
so instead i went to walmart and got hydroxycut diet pills. i took one so far but im going to take another one.
ive also heard good things about zantrex-3 so i grabbed those too. but im only trying those is hydroxycut isnt working.

OHHH ya annnd i got a hook up on some coke yesterday.. should be getting that on monday.
but im saving that for an emergency when i can no longer hold back from binging.
well. i hope i dont even have to use it. its dangerous :/

but my tummy is nice and empty for now:)
oh ya and im on my effing period so im a little bloated and hopefully when im off of it then i will drop a few pounds from that and water weight and whatnot.

i have no school tomorrow so i'll update with my weight in the morning!!!
thats like my motivation to get up every morning - to check the scale lol

love--fee

Period 143

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 20:14:10 GMT

Ive been binging/ eating normally.

I hate myself today.
I got a pumking spice frappuccino at starbucks. 500 calories.

so no more food for me today!!
im gross.

No food until thursday.
i have yoga on thursday so ill eat a bunch of celery before class then and apple or something around 5.

ANNNNDD im on my period as of this morning so maybe thats why ive gained like 10 pounds?
well i hope after i fast and restrict the i will drop 10 pounds especially when my periods over.
bc when it stops i usually drop 2 or 3 pounds overnight.
I bet i can lose 12 pounds in these last 10 days of the month that i am grounded.
Then i get to hang out with kyle and be on my way to the 120s!!!

im so excited. really nervous about binging though. but if i just focus then everything will be alright,.
just focus on my goal and think of how good it feels when my tummy has shrunk so small i can git into all my jeans easily an they are loose and i get full after drinking a bottle of water.

Oh when i went to cali to visit everyone i saw my cousin and aunt who used to be FATTT and now because of a "good diet" look very very anorexic and got a ton of compliments and im sooo jealous! im the fattest girl cousin now NO DOUBT!!!

and brooke has always been tiny like her senior year she was 115 lbs. but bc of college she said she gained 20 pounds but she still looks AMAZING!! i hate it.

im short and fat and sick of it.
im going to do some crunches then take a nap.

i cant run i have cramps :/

Frustration 139.8

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 19:16:45 GMT

im sure its pretty obvious what this entry is about.
just look at the title.
do i even need to say?
well ive shot back up to that horrible number.
binge binge binge.
i went on a run and tried to purge it but it didnt work..

ANYHOW.
im just going to restrict from now on.
this morning i had yogurt. 110.
for lunch im going to have celery. 60
and i dont need dinner.

im so mad.
im leaving for cali tomorrow so i wont be able to post for a while.
i had yoga today and if i can i'll run after school but i dont think i'll have time.

love--fee

Regret 134.4

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:32:44 GMT

This morning I was excited to see I had dropped a pound from yesterday..
I had a soy cappuccino this morning before my choir rehearsal which is 110 calories.
And I came home at 1:00 ish today and I had that nervous feeling I get before Im about to binge.
Then I binged.
I tried to purge but I couldnt.

Oh and I forgot to write about last night. But I had to eat cake at my dad's birthday party but I purged it all.
NOW I CANT PURGE! why not?

So I went on a short run/walk. And I tried to purge again in the shower but i couldnt. im horrified with myself.

I regret it. And now my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend and she is gorgeous. I dont have feelings for him anymore but I cant help being jealous of her skinnyness and gorgeousness. i hate them both. but i hate myelf more for binging!!!! fuck.

Im sure Im going to wake up around 137 tomorrow. Annnd my dress for my choir performance tonight is really tight on my tummy now because it is so full and you can see rolls when i sit down and i look so fat. I hate myself.

I should go I have to get ready..
NO food tomorrow.
yoga, ANNND a 2 MILE RUN! i must i must!!

love--fee